The Homes We Made Our Beds In

by Xander Rollins

	/

Streaming + Download

Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

Purchasable with gift card

$5 USD or more

1.	Yellow Chorus 00:14	lyrics	buy track
Sang the yellow song like an empty chorus Pierced the god-dick vision from the eye of Horus Beneath a summer night in the breath of Taurus They locked the keys inside her peace And led her to the forest
2.	They Have Still Yet To Fix The Water Fountain 00:22	lyrics	buy track
A blonde girl with soft skin Sits on the steps above the entrance to the sixth floor She stares at the reflection on her phone screen And wipes the smeared mascara Away from the corner of her eyes Caused by whatever unfortunate event transpired minutes before They have still yet to fix the water fountain
3.	Saraceno 00:25	lyrics	buy track
A silent darkness stares back at me With only two weeks remaining in a room for myself I reflect back upon my passivity Focusing on my own self-betterment has been the theme of the year But the end goal seems almost unattainable Now a lovely rose confronts me And envelopes my waking thoughts With her wide, beaming smile But I refuse to let her petals droop At the thought of what I'm capable of
4.	A Boulevard In Constant Flux 00:38	lyrics	buy track
A boulevard in constant flux Mr. Vogelman's name flashes across the East Whittier Middle School marquee Congratulations For what, I'd love to know The man whose demeanor stood as a testament that words could be cool And habitually played the Twilight Show when he didn't feel like teaching A thankless job But at least familiarity still exists The car lots evaporated and now serve as bland storefronts for chain coffee, sandwiches, and home goods The old folks home breathes sighs next to smiles from the yogurt shop The Party City is never coming back My youth withers away
5.	Sidestep 00:15	lyrics	buy track
I lost connectivity Judgement lapse Plug me in Summer fevers And mixed emotions Led me to lose who I thought embodied my future happiness A cold shoulder I'll no longer get to hold her
6.	Sethward 00:17	lyrics	buy track
The slave revolt failed Oceans consumed landed sprawl We watched it disappear from view Eyes bent low in grim remorse Left to die At the hands of other men Mother Nature betrayed us But did enough to leave us hope
7.	Only Ghosts Remain 00:19	lyrics	buy track
Elderly man lays on his death bed Saying goodbye for the last time A still silence Empty eyes Empty hallways Empty fields in the state of Jefferson Empty terminals at the airport Only ghosts remain
8.	Snowflakes 00:08	lyrics	buy track
Shed warmth To keep it all going Your eyes are like snowflakes When I learn to love They disappear
9.	William Lankey 00:12	lyrics	buy track
I consumed you like a piece of art An open book of scrambled thoughts Faulkner would have been proud I found it much less enjoyable But I couldn't put you down
10.	Shredacted 00:16	lyrics	buy track
Get home safe or get home quickly Were the words uttered by the restaurant owner from Brooklyn And I'm here snapchatting the girl I never fully got to sleep with Wishing I could close the book on that chapter But loose ends write the best stories
11.	Intertiatic ESP 00:19	lyrics	buy track
The smell of light rain on asphalt Often overlooked but delicately complex A perfect drunken karaoke rendition of The Mars Volta at the neighborhood bar My emotions have been unwillingly carved out from within me But I still can't erase the way her eyes look behind dark bangs
12.	True Dichotomy 00:28	lyrics	buy track
The way the lamp light looks Over the hastily-constructed cement wall Flying down the highway Yellow, blurry, sleepy A perfect representation for the current state of affairs The way your hands feel when tearing through a pomegranate Experiencing a rare product of the Earth Crushing, caressing Always worth the work Marvelling at the rubied color and tart taste As if trying for the first time, each time
13.	Butter Socks II 00:18	lyrics	buy track
Licking drops from the dripping clock Puddles form around woollen butter socks I knock back dead drinks to get away Pornographic priests run out of faded time to pray The stymied air became my favorite color And returned to frosted form as the hopeless lover
14.	Driving From Rosemead 00:32	lyrics	buy track
Driving from Rosemead to Rowland Passing signs in Spanish and Mandarin This is the America I like to behold Remembering being terrified as a kid of going down the hill on Colima The grade and speed too irrational to be safe The dream you had recently of it turning into the descent to Rock Bottom The palm-tree'd estates Corner homes on busy avenues in the unincorporated side of town A gentle Los Angeles summer breeze I wish to read Henry Dumas But you've yet to give him back
15.	Season's Bleatings 00:18	lyrics	buy track
Intangible unbecoming Awaiting the first snowfall Seasons bleatings enunciates the goat The quality of person Who takes photos of other things Versus taking photos of themselves The outward is inward And vice versa Don't kid yourself, kid
16.	Bow To The Shaman 00:13	lyrics	buy track
Face holding viscosity cleanse Dedicated to Troland glory The elaborate moon emancipates expression Derelict in grass growing techniques Bow to the shaman
17.	Eden 00:21	lyrics	buy track
Your gaze alone could breathe life into the hopeless I waver in the quake of your confidence But remind myself that there's a reason you still come around Skin as flawless as a temple meadow A tongue that's quick on the draw Preferring to fight battles with whimsy and charm I wish to shed my skin and learn of you
18.	Taking Notes From The Ruby Yacht Guild 00:12	lyrics	buy track
Keep the morning light quiet Writing in harmonious symphony Esoteric like the subjective Quest we sent our souls on The day we reincarnated
19.	Nature: I Remain Aware 00:28	lyrics	buy track
Suburban street signs wipe the sleep from their eyes The frost on the grass blinks back As the river babbles out breaths of fog The sun shyly shows shades of pink To guide the geese on their southern commute Like a sentried father Standing watch in the living room The mountains gaze wide awake Ever-present over their dominion Crisp winter air grabs focus I remain aware
20.	Unlocked Purpose 00:19	lyrics	buy track
Escaped with the wit of a clerical eye The delayed intentions were met with confusion As if the essence of life wasn't bound in attempts at creation Unlocked purpose pulsed like blender blades The noise cascading over socialized trauma Gauzed up and absorbed
21.	Sovereign Nose 00:12	lyrics	buy track
Molcajetes to Brazil Flowers being photographed by masculine dudes A detached aesthetic The Earth can't be monopolized
22.	Those Days Are Gone 00:20	lyrics	buy track
Youth And all that it once contained Has slowly poured out onto the kitchen counter That you at one time couldn't see over But those days are gone So your eyes lock onto Utility bills and discarded wine corks Wishing that you could still only look up But never down
23.	Eden As Forest Spirit 00:23	lyrics	buy track
I saw You embodied her The spirit of the forest Hands clasped Standing gracefully within the grasslands Elegantly robed Simplicity was your strength Beauty by birth And I admired behind closed eyes For but a brief moment Before the voices called me back
24.	Latham 00:13	lyrics	buy track
More interesting than most But less interesting Than those I find interesting Constantly treading I find it might be best To get out of the water Or drown
25.	From Suburbia To Sister Cities 00:33	lyrics	buy track
Girls in cosplay Are they attractive? Are they not? What am I fetishizing That I probably should not be? Soupy must still be jazzercising If he can continue to release quality tracks From "Suburbia" to "Sister Cities" All things flow with gravity My Corolla in neutral at the top of Franklin street Gliding down just to get gruesomely crunched by traffic Or skip through and blow up the police station Either or The stray rats are here to exhume my body Grab a fork
26.	Sporadic Tetherball 00:37	lyrics	buy track
While meditating, I hear the sounds of the school playground behind my house The excited yells and sporadic clinking of the swing set or tetherball chain echo throughout my room Larger responsibilities do not exist in their world Whereas my daily routine involves exercising, reading, eating, and cleaning all before 2pm When I must drive into work and pretend to be a mid-level manager for ten hours each day Making sure to lock the door to the fourth floor patio So that the college students don't throw themselves off onto the sidewalk below Each night before I leave
27.	Meditation Clouds 00:23	lyrics	buy track
Meditation Clouds An aging father tends to his orchard Sunken eyes rest Grey hair on green grass Looking up at an apple tree A proud owner of property that was once old ranch land In the golden age of California When the warm sun set perfectly each night In the ciudad de Los Angeles
28.	S>>S>>T>>A>>DEAD>>MAN 00:34	lyrics	buy track
Flipped off by midnight pedestrian As if their life wasn't inconsequent to mine Strange though to think of the common threads that bond A planned weekend getaway to consume the flesh of gods The snapchat video you sent to me the night before you died A documentary I know we both found fascinating I wish to let my eyes mimic the clouds But the sky is scattered Like pavement, I am emotionless Leeching off of Soni's vibrance I remind myself that women are not structures meant to house men's sorrows These burdens are my own
29.	If These Trees Could Talk, They Would Destroy You 00:43	lyrics	buy track
If these trees could talk, they would destroy you They would destroy all of us I emerged from my 'delic cocoon Mentally unscathed Perhaps substantively deeper And wholesome Yearning to wield McKenna's diction Like a seasoned sword-swallower Or the girl with which I've spent my recent days Her presence is warm and vibrant I close my eyes just to contemplate And nearly fall asleep She has me at ease Yet on edge And despite her overwhelming beauty Jovial wit from head to toe I still find it hard to catch feelings But I stumble forward My heart is a dog chained up in the backyard Waiting to earn its freedom Maybe someday...
30.	Man Chanting In Foreign Language 00:57	lyrics	buy track
She is beautiful in full bloom And always Man chanting in foreign language Planning trips I cannot afford My heart pangs out in love A fleeting feeling not held since summer Why did she cut off her hair? Brown? Black? Beautiful. I can't stomach to look at it again My heart will ache Man chanting in foreign language International Womxn's Day Her body, her rules Not solely passing, but always Forever My feet are bricks A result of evening athletics Last week I slipped on ice And whispered to the dear roots of a dead tree Reminders of an old friend Man chanting in foreign langauge Grassed hills, suburban nature Mouth agape at the symmetry of plants Man chanting in foreign langauge The dark heart of the forest Overshadowed by an Angeles' sunset Pinks, purples and happines I could never kill With her smile Behind my eyes
31.	Please, Alex 00:20	lyrics	buy track
Doing things just to do things Following the philosophy of Carl Allen Aka Jim Carrey in a Warner Brothers flick There's empathy and apathy But neither of them best define me Where's my Zooey Deschanel? I'll take emotions for five hundred please, Alex
32.	Wishlist 00:14	lyrics	buy track
Never understood those with favorites lists Top body parts? Head, shoulders, knees, wrists? And I don't care if it's still ten months 'til Christmas There's no better time to add "stop being listless" to my wishlist
33.	Too Much Milo 00:37	lyrics	buy track
All my favorite people are women I've never left a home that I haven't placed a dirty dish in Please keep the water running Cleanse me of the negative thoughts that simply won't stop coming Like an action figure of Leonard Nimoy as a bath toy Tossed around and submerged My happiness is held back in memories of white-washed suburbs Emotional immaturity My parents announced their divorce at the dining table in front of me You know, I thought I felt love once But she's long moved on now And I don't dare count the months I'm gifted without purpose An owl among pufferfish With no understanding of what life is
34.	A Common Thread Of Eternal Humanity 00:32	lyrics	buy track
Often foolish But steathily calculated Though not too wise for sand castles I am standing still Feet covered In the cold water Of the northern Trinity In awe At the blooming landscape Running past Through archaic carved canyons Is the summer wind Hiding the forest's secrets From no one The rope Laced around my neck Blissfully carved By the hands of artisans Imported with great joy Is a soft reminder Of the love From friends
35.	Creaking Floors And A Dancing Tongue 00:38	lyrics	buy track
The wood floors creak in spots they never did before Paint is chipping off the corners of the walls The fridge is mostly empty on these type of weekdays But my childhood bedroom offers both refuge and nostalgia As I lightly push my tongue between your legs And listen to your joyful sighs Over the tranquil midnight beats of Sales "We are not sales" they claim But my youth has been sold out To the pursuit of education and the required actions taken to repay that debt I stare out at the backyard I've watched the sun kiss goodnight as far back as I can remember
36.	I Just Got This Symphony Goin' 01:59	lyrics	buy track
My favorite poem was written by a gay communist An American one Thinking back to all the poems I read in high school And all the ones I kept writing, exchanging Just to have something to talk about With the pretty girl I'd lock eyes with across the room Poetry books purchased Poetry books loaned out to never get back again Drugs consumed and drug sold With all the intersecting characters met along the way Jeff Sessions wants us to get the death penalty But we're all nice guys I promise you that One hot Los Angeles summer we came back inside the home Radiating our collective effervescence A term I learned in college from a Russian journalist Who left her home and moved to the gay part of town I'm sensing an odd pattern We came back inside following the Bernie Sanders rally Eyes aglow with the hope of future The news station my mother had on provided only passing commentary And she remarked how she wasn't a fan of his Shocked and bewildered, my brother and I retreated to our rooms That's when we knew we had lost her She sold the home and moved to a whiter county George took his life a few months later And that rang the death toll on our youth Visits back home slowly diminished And we watched friendships dissolve Noting how the community changed with all it's new buildings Each time we came back Today white supremacists plant bombs in major cities And get favorable treatment on the news Anarchists wish they could have been so lucky Rest in peace Sacco and Vanzetti A young unarmed black man was shot 20 times by police standing in his grandmother's yard Blue lives don't matter Take off your uniform For many, a 40-hour work week doesn't pay a living wage So we cope with whatever we can get our hands on Housing prices increase, the oceans are not only warming but rising White collar criminals take taxpayer-funded flights To meetings where they discuss how best to disenfranchise the poor Terence McKenna was right We have gone sick There are no contingency plans Like vines we either wither or we climb
37.	An Empty Room For The Persons I Admire 00:28	lyrics	buy track
I'm done writing esoteric bullshit You write in abstract But I don't want to do that Hair as long as a siren's meadow I spent my evening barking up the wrong tree Pray for me, lonely Or don't Pick up a book and read it For knowledge is passed down generationally It is up to us to continue the trend or Face cataclysmic endeavors Capaciously full of tragedy and splendor That our children will never remember
38.	Anahi In The Treehouse 00:21	lyrics	buy track
My beds are placed in the same corner of the room Both here and back home This is not coincidence I'm back writing again My father mimicked the actions of the specter right before I went to bed The well is dry I said The well was never empty There are always bricks from which you can deconstruct Or build
39.	Lomos 00:23	lyrics	buy track
There's nothing more I want to do than nothing Set into motion Snow on the side of the road in June Shoegazed ambience on a drive through the Pacific Northwest A man jumped from the bridge today Three lanes on the highway closed Men are too proud He'll never experience again And maybe he just didn't want to
40.	Bixby 00:19	lyrics	buy track
Annihilate the pronouns My name is Seth Wiggins Keep it evaporating The goose gas glistens Around the porch Break south west blaring Marinated matrimony Oh wassup, Karen Hung out by Bixby Soon blanket nocturnal Adjusted, mistrusted Just words scribbled in journal
41.	Cultural Baseball 00:08	lyrics	buy track
Understanding as a pipe dream A cultural curveball When I was sitting on the four-seam
42.	Niagara Waters 00:18	lyrics	buy track
Getting high on the thought of you What are words without actions? Art is subjective Your beauty is not Niagara waters cascading in a snow storm Bundled, hands clasped Your company is all I could ever need
43.	The Silhouettes Of Perfect Palm Trees 00:22	lyrics	buy track
Filtered from insecurities Tell me more I enjoy your vulnerability The little girl that grew up from within you Has a voice And it wavers at times But it could be strong It will be strong! Like the silhouettes of perfect palm trees Your soul commands oceans And I get to watch
44.	This Emptiness Will Outlast Me 00:23	lyrics	buy track
I've been stagnant This is a call to arms When I wake up, I lean into myself Bruised confidence with every 2pm bite of morning cereal What is this sleep schedule? What is this summer? Love can't be found at 4am This route has been tried The hole only grows deeper This emptiness will outlast me
45.	Goose Gossage Lozenge 00:28	lyrics	buy track
I spent last month hand crafting artisinal lozenges You laughed and questioned who Goose Gossage is The three bears already had their fair share of porridge Took the water off the kettle and put the grains back into storage To which you could learn a thing or two A wise man wouldn't dare to laugh at a Haitian crafting vodou Never caring at where your time and energy were spent Your man voted for neoliberals and still complains about barely making rent And still you don't bat an eye
46.	Bracken Brae 00:13	lyrics	buy track
Overwhelmed by optimism An unexpected invitation of glee I leapt at love And landed in the rose bush When I should've kept my feet buried in the sand
47.	Word Association Pinball Extended (Fall) 00:24	lyrics	buy track
Cold beer cans left outdoors overnight Closed windows The ways in which one can best organize their Spotify account Past. Current. Genre. Podcasts. Pinball. Special When Lit I watched the doc And tonight Was the first time this year I let myself embrace the fall
48.	Kodoku No Hatsumei 01:03	lyrics	buy track
A dipping sun sets earlier in the evenings Bringing with it the slight, subtle chill of fall An occasional breeze floats through the corner window Never once closed since the start of summer The blanket goes on Soon it will be time for covers And a season that carries with it the true reality of life Unlike its predecessor, a warm promise A facade that gives way to the passage of time before winter But for now, a blooming peace Of shades red and yellow Orange, black, brown Of cold grass beneath the toes And football games College nostalgia Car lights reflecting off the fog in the morning commute Hockey practice Blue eyes staring at a Walter Georgi painting Sunflowers in the Garden But it lies untended The Victorian farmhouse in the background casts it gaze down onto what lays in the fore Vibrant yellows cooled into drooping orange Wild pumpkins growing on the hills of my hometown I can remember

about

Poems encompassed written from 5/8/17 - 9/10/18.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The words included in this volume capture the end of my undergrad experience as a graduating senior, a fun summer in San Diego partying and saying plenty of goodbyes to friends who decided to move away, looking for a decent job that could start to pay off my student loans while keeping me from moving back home (what even is home if your mother and brother aren’t there anymore?), experiencing a chaotic living situation that challenged my mental health, working 30+ hours a week for an entire year, packing and moving everything I owned twice in six months, and coming to terms with the depressing realities of grown adult life (as well as experiencing the Dodgers’ crippling game seven world series loss where I went home drunk and depressedly vomited into a trash can around 8pm in my shared bedroom before my roommate came home).

All said, this was a very transitory period of time. Looking back on these poems a few years later, some have aged well and I would consider them to still be “good.” Most have not. I would almost consider many of these to be somewhat embarrassing. But that’s just where my head was at this juncture of time. Laced with substances, confidence, optimism, and a head full of majestic party lettuce, this was peak *insert legal name here*

Whether this was / is my poetic zenith is a matter of debate. I certainly honed my “style” during this period of time into prose that still has repercussions in what I’ve written as recently as May 2020. There are definitely both pros and cons of not consuming much art and pop culture in the last few years… anyway, if you want to play a drinking game, take a shot every time you hear the worth youth or the mention of a Los Angeles sunset.

Oh, and the cover art was done by me in late 2018. The photo was taken by my mom from inside her house after it partially burned down in the 2017 Carr Fire in Northern California. She’s since sold that house and moved elsewhere. I visited less than five times. Never really felt much like home to me anyway.